my weight - the elephant in the closet (April 2008)

I think one of the "elephants in the room" in my life in my weight and my health.

I think people want to know more but are afraid to ask. I am glad they feel that way because the conversation, if raised, rarely goes well.

So here is what I think you might actually want to know:

AS A BABY I was premature and weighed 3 1/2 pounds, I was very sick and frail as a child, epilepsy, asthma, pneumonia, etc. Both my parents smoked heavily and in fact died from cigarettes.

MY WEIGHT At around 12 I developed a HUGE appetite and became overweght, from skinny to overweight in 2 years. From age 13 until about 35 I dieted, binged, fasted, took courses and therapy in listening to my hunger, anything I could think of, I continued to put on weight. Then I decided I was going to be happy however I was, and I still put on weight. According to my doctor's records, in 1990, 18 years ago, I weighed 284 pounds, this is the most I have ever weighed. Today I weigh 272 pounds.

EXERCISE I have exercised off and on all my life, I used to swim as a kid (Palm Springs, everybody swims). Stopped exercising in my early 20s. Then in 1984 or so after law school I became enamored with aerobics, even trained to teach aerobics for large women in about 1990 or so...I exercised 2 - 4 times a week, it varied...Posed for a leotard ad for large women, went to an aerobics conference with my teacher, was on tv 4 or 5 times dancing with my teacher and a couple of other people. Was always the "fit" big girl and proud of it. In 2001, my knees started giving me problems and then a couple of years later my hips started to hurt after walking more than 2 or 3 blocks, I have less stamina. I have exercised less since 2001. I still go to the gym most saturdays, 30 minutes on the bike and workout with the fat girls. I know if I did more it would help, but I seem to be unwilling to make it happen in my life.

MY HEALTH Until a few years ago I was VERY healthy. Great heart, no problems except mobility and then about 18 months ago I had some symptoms that looked like diabetes. I was not surprised because of my weight, age and body type (barrel shape) I am a good candidate for diabetes and other problems. After some tests, I have struggled the last 18 months with pre-diabetes. I have lost about 10 pounds, eat far fewer carbs and more protein and vegetables. I still have a sweet tooth and desserts are my favorite, but I try to be conscious of what I eat. Today the doctor called and I have pushed back my pre-diabetes for the time being. All my tests are normal. I am pleased and he is pleased.

MY LIFE So, yes, I know I am fat, I have lost and gained lots of weight in my life, I am no longer doing that. I try to be friendly with food so it is not a struggle all the time, but it is my biggest foible. I do not know how to lose and keep off weight. The success rate is about 3% after 5 years. So, if you are concerned about my weight or my health, know that I too am concerned and doing all that I can to be healthy, but I will continue to be a human being that is good at some things and bad at others.
Thu, April 10, 2008 - 8:34 PM

10 Comments

Sunburn
Thu, April 10, 2008 - 9:56 PM
you know, I've not thought about your weight... my mom was big, my brother big, and I'm no skinny girl. I've just really liked you for who you are... and next time I see you, we will just split a carrot drink.. hugs to you cuitie!

Captain Paula...
Thu, April 10, 2008 - 10:59 PM
I'm mostly just happy that you are a part of this wonderful group, and i know that struggles with weight can be life long and torturous. It sounds like you've made some peace. I Hugs

Lying Bare..
Thu, April 10, 2008 - 11:54 PM
I love and admire and respect your candor, and just want to say, I think you are beautiful, I have a personal issue with my lack of teeth, and people want to know but never ask... sometimes that's good for my ego if they don't and other times I wish they would just ask what they want to know and get it over with, but maybe thats just me and really not them, I never really know.... in any case, sometimes, I think we are just meant to be a specific way, and if you are feeling well and are healthy, and comfortable, then why stress on it... I have heard that with stress hormones coursing thru your veins it actually keeps the weight on... so, if ya can reduce the stress aspect of it, ya may lose what ya wish without even having to give it much thought..... but no matter what, YOU are still you, and loved dearly for that fact, and I hope ya have an extra hug available when i see ya next time..... Bare

jenn...
Fri, April 11, 2008 - 1:24 AM
thank you so much for sharing and being so open...i have not legitimately worn a belt in probably close to ten years and have strong self worth and failure issues with my own weight, and when i met you i fell in LOVE with your belt, and i thought "fuck, if i can look half as hot as affinity..." thats when i contacted you about your belt...thanks for including me on this and sharing so much...you rock, sweetness!!

Armadillo.
Fri, April 11, 2008 - 7:14 AM
Thank You!Thankyou for sharing! I am so happy that you have your helathissues under control! Just before reading this, I was obsessing on how much weight I have gained. I really need to get it under control. Thank you for the inspiration!

party radar...
Fri, April 11, 2008 - 10:56 AM
i've actually never thought about your weight b/c when we're together your personality is all i see. i think it's wonderful that you've been bringing up taboo conversations in your blog. i like how we're free to talk about things now that 10 years ago were out of the question. and i'm also glad to learn more about you. good job on warding off the diabetes. i hope you stay healthy so you can live a long time.

glynda
Fri, April 11, 2008 - 12:35 PM
Yay!I'm so glad that your pre-diabetes is no more. I've heard you be vocal about it and that was one of the few time I've worried about you---because you were worried. Keep up the good work! I love that you are unapologetic about being big. I *love* that you wear the cutest outfits and that your definition of beauty includes all sizes. I think it's amazingly brave for you to post your weight-numbers in your blog--which is definitely my own headtrip! I haven't been on a scale in probably over 15 years---I have eating disorders and the only way that I can avoid being obsessed with numbers (scale, calories, etc) is to avoid them, all together. So, my weight is either a huge issue in my life or not an issue at all, if that makes sense. I choose not an issue at all. :-)

Capitan Paula..
Fri, April 11, 2008 - 4:14 PM
and yes, I love your cute outfits, keep'm comming!

Moze
Fri, April 11, 2008 - 11:48 PM
what a great blog you've written girl. I'm constantly amazed at you. It's hard losing weight, I've been stuck at 240, but I know most of it is due to drinking beer. I'm going to the gym at least 3 times a week now and I've also got glucose levels from fasting blood tests that border on pre diabetes. Yes, cutting out carbs is important. I'll tell you this. Even though I'm having problems getting my weight down, going to the Y and doing 30 minutes of stairs (broken into two 15 minutes each) and then doing a complete workout makes me feel stronger. Getting the heart rate above 120 for 15 minutes is evidently key. That and all the freaking drugs don't hurt either. Lipitor, Niaspam, Linosopril, Toprol. All cholesterol and heart related shit. But I've got to shed some pounds. I don't want to ride another ambulance off the playa this year. Our last roommate James weighed 400 plus and he's got all kinds of knee issues. Too much stress on the joints. below 300 is manageable and not something insurmountable without surgeries (my cousin was up to 370 and got that stomach surgery and he's down to like 220 now). Weight issues are a pain in the ass. I've got them too. But I've got a good body image and so do you. I'm not sure why you wrote this blog, but it's pretty damn cool to read, mostly because I know you and I just think it's cool to read what you've got to say. Man, it'd be nice if I could shed 40 lbs in 3 months and be all buff on the playa this year. Congrats on getting the glucose down. Be active and keep off the sugar. I started using splenda, you can eat all that you want. You need to keep taking care of yourself because health issues are real (I know after abusing myself almost to death) and the world would miss you so much if you weren't around. I know I would.

Rapu...
Sat, April 12, 2008 - 6:58 AM
Thank you for inspiring me to talk about the 'elephant in the room' with a dear friend of mine...