Grateful

The photo should actually say "Am Grateful." because I am. Workin' on my mantra...Is it "Bring it On!" or "A joyful spirit is a reflection of a grateful heart"?

The latter in this moment!

photo: SnoShuu

Leaves

When I was in about 3rd grade it was decided I needed glasses and I got my first pair. It was life changing.

Since I am from Palm Springs there weren't a lot of trees around but even for the few that there were I had not known you could see the leaves on the trees individually from the ground. It was a fabulous revelation!

Relentless Authenticity 2

Okay were back. Is it enough to tell the truth? No I aspire to showing up. A friend suggested recently while we were at the Fire Ballet that it might have some elements of Rock Horror. My response, on no, the Crucible is much to serious, too dark to dabble is pop culture. FAIL

The whole ballet was a combination of Rocky Horror, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Thriller. And I loved it. But where did my batting away of her deduction come from. My defensiveness. I continue to want to be right, know more and be the "in kid".

So my authenticity shows up when I am leading from my heart and not my defenseness. My joyful spirit is most apparent when I am not afraid or showoffy....

Somehow I suspect this conversation will keep returning to fear. Fear of being fired, fear of not being loved, fear of being my crazy mother or father, fear of just being the old fat lady.

What are you afraid of?

Logo: Markey Scheuer Thank You

It represents my foibles more tha an actual portrait.

I Love Tap Dancing

Tap Dancing makes me happy. :<)

Today was great

This was my first day off in a long time where I just hung out and watched a video of my choosing and talked to my old friend Porter for over an hour, and picked up the house and made meatloaf and just loved being at home alone.

Porter and I talk about things I just don't talk to anyone else about, we wax a little nostalgic, we talk about the impact of music, hip hop, rap, the ever whiny Neil Young, his "mitigation" training, my recent adventures, his living in South Carolina. Just the things old friends talk about, and he makes me laugh.

Another good thing happened today, Meghan from the Burning Man office called and asked me to help with the Regional Summit at the end of February.

So make a note, Flambe Lounge is going to be on Saturday February 28....

Now time for meatloaf.

It's all about ME!

I am finding life pretty difficult right now! Our bathroom is torn apart and another weird period at work. I swore years ago I would never be afraid for my job again, that I would be financially secure enough that I would always have the option of quitting. But my health insurance is $680 a month and there is my share of the mortgage, moderate, but still, and of course like everyone I don't have the same savings account balance I used to have.

So how do I keep my promise to myself? Be the best I can be, work hard, give them value for their $$, but not succumb to fear, oh yeah, that grateful thing.

I have a job!
I have a beloved!
I can have a real conversation with almost all my friends and talk about real things!
I have better health than I could have thought at this age and size!
I have an amazing rich life filled with more adventure than I have the time to write about. Just in December...

• Burning Man Holiday Party (MonkeyBoy was Santa)
• a Sweet Sixteen Party
• SantaCon
• MonkeyBoy's work party
• My work party at the Julia Morgan Ballroom, very cool
• newZonia (Life as Art) introduction - fundraiser for BRAF
• Tamale Festivites
• Grateful Graphics Open House
• Rex Foundation Gala (Grateful Dead non-profit) Bonus points: photo op w/Wavy Gravy
• Christmas at our Friend Jewel's
• Holiday Visit with Benny and Ellen
• Alice & Elizabeth One Woman Play
• Holdiay breakfast with my dear friend

And I get to live in amazing San Francisco, where there is always another adventure right out my window, or down the street, or across town.

grateful,grateful,grateful,grateful,grateful,grateful,grateful

photo: Mr. Nightshade

Relentness Authenticity

I aspire to relentless authenticity. I read that phrase in a New Yorker article about Marc Jacobs today, I don't much aspire to be him or want what he wants but I do aspire to relentless authenticity. I want show up, not to be seen but to be who I am. I want to stay centered and love who I am. I want to be authentic in all that I do.

I am going to revisit this topic often because I do not believe I am expressing myself very well but I do think I want to clarify this for me.

logo: Mark Scheuer

One of those 4 am moments

Ok it is the middle of the night and here I am wide awake. Lots of work to do tomorrow...now 4am. that would be a great time to go back to sleep for a couple of hours if I thought it might work, but will I just lay there and think about IRS Code section 403(b) and the project I need to finish in the morning..

So tick tock!

Works Sucks!

Finding work VERY difficult right now. I want to quit but know I can't really afford to. Feeling picked on. I am too old for this shit. I really thought I would be such a grown up by now that no matter what was thrown at me I would be okay....ooops, didn't happen.

Okay, were having fun again!

Starting with Fire Arts, I was still tired, but I got to see Steve23 and Juicy (still thinking about you every day), a little short visit with Alibaba at PlayaInfo, an hello to Francis behind the bar, hey to our friend Carl and his Cousin with the cat, lots of time with the Other Robin who I am loving getting to know, some time with LadyBee, Curtis and his girlfriend, Rob and Sunset with a hello to Terry and Harley, Jewel was there, so a very social event, GREAT fire art. Then, a very quiet weekend, meeting with the potential buyers and I can't remember anything else but quiet and rain. Then this week MUCH better at work, My boss being very positive about my staying, Saw Art School Confidential, another meeting with the potential buyers and the other co-tenants, went well, one of my friends fussed at me about being up tight and I said, YOU ARE RIGHT!!! Time to stop worrying and just let it be...bar-B-QUE Sat. Party Sunday at Marie's had a great time, lost my cell phone,,,,no worries... some fabulous MonkeyBoy and Affinity time on Sunday morning...and a little bar-B-Q in our back yard on yesterday, such a beautiful day, with our fav neighbor and Burner Jane. Life is good.....Both MonkeyBoy and I are feeling much better, almost no coughing...and ...a short week. ahead!!!! How sweet is that!!
Tue, May 30, 2006 - 8:37 AM

Comments
steve23
Tue, May 30, 2006 - 11:32 AM
Look at that smile!I'm so glad to hear you and MonkeyBoy are doing well. Are you ready for another weekend of burning fun? On Friday evening the Flaming Lotus Girls are throwing a fundraiser at the Cracktory and then the Pre-Compression party on Satyrday night at the Pound. I hope to see you there - we'll be setting up a table to talk about the upcoming installation of the Passage in SF.

Lying Bare
Tue, May 30, 2006 - 2:13 PM
YEAH!!! YOU time... it's soooooo special... not to mention important..... I wanted to be at Fire Arts... but alas we were hiking the Montana Wilderness... not that I mind,,, but there are times I wish there were 2 of me so I could do all the things I want... just dont think the world is ready for 2 of me though... glad to hear things are good..... HUGS!!! Bare

photo: our friend Sowelu firedancing at Fire Arts

photo: Waldemar Horwat

Washington DC

Well the best thing about DC was Armadillo and Edge and how they generous they were with their time and friends. The "called" a happy hour of the DC Burners and Soup and Abbey and their Burner neighbor (the dancer) came and then we had Thai food on Monday evening and Stiltwalker (the regional rep) and Penny joined us, AND THEN they included us in a dinner with their rocket science friends and we went to this funky outside bar near DuPont Circle. Wow.....I have included a photo of where we ate since I do not have a photo of any of us. So we did museum stuff most days and then had fun people to meet several evenings, what could be more fun than that. Thanks Armadillo and Edge for making this one of the most fun vacations I have ever had.....

DC Part 2

We saw the DADA exhibit at the National Art Gallery and I loved the anti war, anti art, pro anarchy politics, and I loved their use of text in their work. But my favorite was the Matisse's 4 bas relief 5' X 7' women, different levels of abstract, and enjoyed seeing some Grant Wood Mid-America paintings (American Gothic). So now I have a little chest cold and have had a full weekend of Burning Man trainings, and am tired, but happy to be home as always.... Here is Back IV....Sun, May 7, 2006 - 8:25 PM

Comments
Armadillo
Mon, May 8, 2006 - 6:27 PM
No, Thank You!Thank you for your gifts, especially the "business" cards! We had fun hanging with you!

Banzai!
Mon, May 8, 2006 - 9:05 PM
I am visiting my family in Alexandria right now!

Reconstructing t-shirt

In the spirit of the fat girls being able to participate in life I have been deconstructing t-shirts so I can wear them. Tonight is the BRAF movie and here is my t-shirt. Great fun, feels VERY productive to remake it. Still lots going on, volunteering for the Org, things weird at work (the life of a contractor) , having the floors sanded and revarnished in the apartment we are going to sell, getting ready to go to DC on holiday next week, get to see Edge and Armadillo and some folks from the regional who are having a fire dancing practice. Tessa is here, supposed to see her tomorrow, Sowelu is fire dancing at Union Square on friday evening.... the window guy comes to give us a quote to replace all the windows on our side of the building on Sat. moving a little fast, trying to not add things in but I need this t-shirt?
Wed, April 19, 2006 - 8:59 AM

Comments
Armadillo
Wed, April 19, 2006 - 9:09 AM
Be sure to bring the T-shirt, 'cause it's warm here in DC!

Jenni
Wed, April 19, 2006 - 11:13 AM
hooray Affinity, this shirt is awesome! Where did you learn about doing this, I have a t-shirt with a stain that I'd love to try to modify like this!

Quiet Girl...
Wed, April 19, 2006 - 11:16 AM
Have you heard of The Gossip? Beth Ditto, the vocalist, is of a similar body-type and makes all of her own clothes. Innovative and a beautiful bombshell dyke, she also has one of the strongest female voices in American music right now. www.wweek.com/story.php

Lying Bare...
Wed, April 19, 2006 - 12:05 PM
I Like it...... very attractive.... and fun..... have a great time... MwahhH!! bare

Ali Baba...
Wed, April 19, 2006 - 3:52 PM
Huzzah, it looks awesome! Very cool, congrats! Yay for remaking shirts!

Selling our Apartment - Part 1

March 2006

Okay this is very excting. We own 2 apartments and we are selling one, with the long term goal of moving off the 70 stairs with lousy parking. I have lived in the neighborhood since 1979, time for some change. So, MonkeyBoy and a couple of friends including the infamous Brook, who is hopefully having great sex and a drink on the beach in Mexico RIGHT NOW, are remodeling the apartment we are selling. The sink was the original 1915, scuzzy kitchen all around. It looks fabulous, what a ton of decisions and some not so pretty moments (frustration and dehydration sometimes create disagreements, bet you knew that). Then we wrote a flyer, since it is a tenants-in-common building the financing is very challenging. Then we showed it to 3 sets of people on Sunday. WooHOOO! Very exciting, very stressful, do we have it right, can we help the buyer understand the deal... So if none of these acquaintances are interested then we will hire a regular real estate broker and it will move to her purvue. But, in the meantime, there are real estate brokers in SF that are willing to do nothing but close the deal, at a deep discount if they do not list it with the Multiple Listing Services, etc. Selling my home is a little sad and makes me feel like a grown up. Another BIG adventure with the MonkeyBoy!!!!!

Comments
Jenni
Wed, March 29, 2006 - 12:51 PM
hooray, I've been hearing about this from Brook, I can't wait to see pictures!

Moze
Fri, March 31, 2006 - 10:54 PM
You landowner you. We're saving our pennies, up to 90K for a down payment, to buy into the market in SF.IF that's not enough, we've got a TIC couple we're checking out. Ah burgermeisters. It's the fucking monthly that's killing us. renting at 1100$ a month is SO nice. But we're hoping the market tanks. Good for you for selling right now. In 6 months, I think the bubble's gonna burst. Sell Sell!

Moze
Fri, March 31, 2006 - 10:55 PM
oh btw I'm so sick of giving my good for nothing landlord money. This place was paid off in the 70s.

affinity
Sat, April 1, 2006 - 10:26 AM
Being a renter

As you know Mozr I come from poor white trash, so not only had I been a renter my whole life but I had been evicted a lot with my Mom as a teenager. so when I got to about 40, and had passed the bar exam, and felt like I had worked hard to get where I was, but was not really successful in the business world, I went through a horrible time where I could just not figure out how anyone who worked as hard as I did could not buy a house. I would drive by people's house and think to myself, "they could buy a house, what is wrong with me that I can't" I lived in a little basement, low ceiling, damp, tiny apartment for 17 years, one year with the MonkeyBoy. So when MonkeyBoy and I were able to buy a place in a neighborhood I loved, in my favorite place in the world, I thought I was in heaven....it was very scarrrrry but wow, how exciting. So I wish you well on your journey to ownership. It has been a gift in our lives.

The Russell Boys

In the spirit of Andie's post, I am going to write about my family. One of the things that I have always loved is that my father had 5 or 6 brothers? and they were real hellraisers. I always heard stories about "when the Russell brothers come to town you better watch out, just like one of those western. and MY Dad was dirt poor but a dandy which I always thought was pretty interesting. So although the asshole routine was not always a gift in MY life I have always felt like I came by my rebel, eccentric behavior honestly.... My Mom on the other hand was the smart one in her family and I think it made her want a little more than was available in her dirt farmer upbringing. But that on the other hand did benefit my life and got me to college and law school from a poor white trash background.... So although Mom and Dad had mental and emotional problems in their 50ies and beyond they did inform my life and as MonkeyBoy would say, it got us to here.... In the spirit of my arbitrary post (wish i had a photo of the Russell brothers to include) here is a photo of MonkeyBoy and I assembling Gort on the Playa in 2004.


Comments
Ali Baba
Mon, March 27, 2006 - 11:39 PM
random comment: I love that you're wearing matching socks!And, I love the Russell brothers story. ;D "I have always felt like I came by my rebel, eccentric behavior honestly...." That is a great quote. :D My mom had two uncles that each owned a Harley dealership, in the 1950s and 60s, I believe. We should start a collection: Great rebel uncles of the mid-20thcentury.

Quiet Girl
Tue, March 28, 2006 - 12:29 AM
You're speaking my language. I was lucky to have grown up around 2 other girls (childhood friends -- my DPW documentary is dedicated to Regina, whose photo appears at the end) who had a background and desire to get the hell out the same as I did. Now that I've grown "up", there are lots of things about having a tough background that I appreciate, even as I'm breaking (and have broken) the shackles of the ones that pulled me down. Thanks for sharing.

Enameling the Tub

Okay so the guy is coming today to re-enamel the sink and tub. I have always been pretty interested in this (weird huh) like you can kind of paint it on rather than throw away (including moving it down 4 flights of stairs) the bathtub and sink. I can't help but like that. And our cleaning lady came yesterday and our house FEELS better. but I got my feelings hurt last night and felt dissed by my "team leader". so what, We went to Ritual Roastery and Glow and Aristotle were there and their friends what a bunch of sweeties. I love the diversity that Burning Man brings to our life and these kids "get us". HunnyBunny and Isabel and coming to help me silkscreen for the VCs next week. How fun is that???? just prattleing on a little....

Comments

HunnyBunny
Thanks for sharing! Looking forward to silkscreening.

glynda
Sat, March 25, 2006 - 1:08 PM
I, too, am fascinated with the enamel paint. They can do kitchen appliances, too... Also, you *know* that I *LOVE* the silkscreens that you do... I have two that I love & wear *all the time*... Sometimes, even just under what I'm regularly wearing, because the shirts feel a lot like love to me... Anyway, my question is: Should I bring a light shirt or a dark shirt? I'm sorry that your team lead dissed you and hurt your feelings... That super-sucks... Especially when you are suck a f&cking ROCK STAR!!!

affinity
Sat, March 25, 2006 - 6:38 PM
Shh it is a surprise....T=shirts, what t=shirts...

Ali Baba
Tue, March 28, 2006 - 12:41 AM
;P Huzzah for the reuse and reduce enamel solution.

Moze
Tue, April 11, 2006 - 11:41 AM
You'll always be my team leader!

affinity
Tue, April 11, 2006 - 1:14 PM
The first couple of times I saw the clock in LAdyBee's office, and sometimes rhinestones, I will say to the person, that is really cool, and then will realize I made it or did it for them,,,kind of funny.....

It's All About Me

Wed, March 22, 2006 - 11:08 AM

So I love it when I can say "I am the happiest I have ever been in my life". I have everything I want, my beloved with his asute way of living, good friends who want the world for me, comfort financialy, and home.

WOW but, I am completely stressed, the smallest thing knocks me off my equalibrium, my apartment is in disaray from moving, my job is dicey, I feel like I used up all my reserves from Tom's cancer (yipee for a cancer survivor but there are still repuscussions from all major surgeries) and now it was time for a break and we are selling our apartment and have moved, so what kind of a break is that. there are sawhorses between my bed and the bathroom, whine whine whine....

I can't seem to get ahead of my volunteer gig at Burning Man, several peers (old boyfriend, etc. have died in the last 3 years and one more one the way....)

I have for many years had it as a goal to make life look easy because mine is. I am not going to have to sell a child so the others can live. I can own property in my name (women still cannot own property is some places and couldn't 150 years ago in the good old U S of A.) I have great medical care and clean water and someone who knows how amazing I am and that I make his life better (can it get any better than that). I have always wanted to be the fat girl that was an example of life lived gracefully. I believe peace begins inward and radiates out, and the world benefits each day I am kind to myself and others.....

So, it's all about me. NOT.NOT. NOT. so I don't know what to say but I feel better writing this, thanks.

Comments
Andie
Wed, March 22, 2006 - 12:15 PM
You are a beautiful, conscious woman, and totally inspiring. Go Affinity Go!

Tony
Wed, March 22, 2006 - 11:15 PM
You're a reflector Affinity. Thank you for sharing your positive attitude.

Armadillo
Thu, March 23, 2006 - 6:04 AM
Thank You!I am going to print your words and carry them with me. These are words to live by!

tessa
Thu, March 23, 2006 - 11:04 AM
wow, check it out, you have a lot of female admirers affinity. and im one of them. i was reading this, and thinking maybe also you can take a break from how you wish you were thinking, and just let yourself feel shitty for a while. the big stuff is taking your energy, and the small stuff is annoying, and maybe that just needs to come out. maybe you can have a whine holiday. that can be your break. just get it out. i think you can have faith that letting it out wont deter you from your real goal of making life look easy. and if you ever wobble in that faith, im sure one of us will be happy to remind you how great you are, judging from these comments of appreciation. im writing this aware that its not really possible to make a comment thats necessarily accurate, im so far away from you, and the medium of email isnt the most expressive etcetc, so if the comment isnt that great, i hope you can take the love and support from behind it. tessa

affinity
Thu, March 23, 2006 - 11:19 AM
Love and miss you Tessa

glynda

Sat, March 25, 2006 - 1:27 PM
Stress + Massage = (-Stress)I don't know you well enough to know how you take care of you... However, I'm a firm believer in the power of massage. My friend, Stevie, is a massage therapist and will travel to your house and give you a massage for $50.00. I try to do it once a week, but it turns out to be more like every other week... It totally helps. What you need to know about Stevie: She's still in school. She's certified in the Western ways and working on certification in the Eastern ways. Hence, the reason that she is so low-cost. She is a born-healer. She is one of those people who was born to touch people. She's amazing. Everyone I've sent to her has been thrilled.

ALS & Friendship

Wed, March 15, 2006 - 12:40 PM

Last night I talked to one of my friends from Palm Springs, circa 1970, and she has ALS, she can barely talk, she cannot walk and has to have a caretaker. She has a year or 2 to live and then she will die of not being able to breathe. My straightest friend, a little redneck, good catholic, very generous to me after my divorce when $5 was an issue, she and her husband pick and tease each other and I have a lot of judgement about it so we have not seen each other much in the last 15 years. Saw her at 30th high school reunion 8 years ago. I am so sad. My other Palm Springs friend and college roomate died 7 years ago of heart failure, a stoner, BIG girl, brilliant, and a much tougher than I am.

The factors 100 year olds have in common: dealing with loss well, community, passion, activity.....

So, how do I deal with this. I am sad. I am grateful for my amazing life, right now in this moment, in the midst of moving, in the midst of remodeling next door, in the midst of my job changing. I love my life, I love my beloved and have amazing friends and no debt, I am so blessed....

I am about to go to lunch on the run with one of my most difficult friends. I will tell her how much I love her and am blessed to have her love in my life.... Why is it difficult, can't all friendships just be filled with love and RESPECT..... .

Comments
Jenni
Wed, March 15, 2006 - 12:46 PM
You are so caring and kind to those around you, I know that these things are hard and don't feel good. However, I'm so touched that you are such a wise person to recognize how blessed we are to have what we do, and be surrouded by love. I love you.

Lying Bare
Wed, March 15, 2006 - 1:10 PM
Have I told YOU how important you are.... and how special you are..... and though we don't see each other often I look forward to your smile and hug..... Each person has a particular space they fill in our lives.... some easy.. some not so easy.... When Dan died some of our commune family that hadent seen each other in years ALL came together to celebrate Dan's Life and passing.... I dreaded seeing someof the more difficult "friends" but somehow in that place we ALL had one thing in common.... Our Love for Dan..... and all the Difficult stuff just didnt matter anymore... and now.... we are all in touch again.. some are STILL difficult... but the difference now is the realization that we are here to give Love and receive love, To Teach and to learn... and it makes the difficult ones easier to understand...... and to open up to.... embrace Life and Love..... and Learning and teaching. Mwahhhh!!!! You are truly a beautiful light in this world.. bare

affinity
Wed, March 15, 2006 - 2:20 PM
Jenni, Thanks, I love you too and wish we saw each other once in awhile. Would love to see you at a Spark Club some time. You are always a delight... For knowing me so little you are always so kind, I guess this is what blogging can look like and what an online community can be. THANK YOU PS. I am enjoying Brooke so much, what a pistol....

affinity
Wed, March 15, 2006 - 2:24 PM
Bare, Thank you too for your kindnessYou have become a beacon in the BM online community for sanity and caring. Thanks for your generous email. I always look forward to what you have to say.... I sent Dan's daughter a little money, hopefully it will help a little.

HunnyBunny
Thu, March 16, 2006 - 9:07 AM
No, it doesn't make sense. I'm all too familiar with losing people, and it's a rotten, painful inevitibility. You are a loving person and you too are very loved.

Ali Baba
Tue, March 21, 2006 - 10:20 PM
Owwie.Sorry to hear about that, and, yeah, I have a hard time understanding the picking and teasing type of couple, myself. Better, maybe, to know why you've spent less time with her, at least...some people seem to fall by the wayside, and perhaps they are some people that are just "for a season"...but it can still be sad. I'm young enough, and fortunate enough, to have not permanently [ie through death] lost friends, but from a family old enough that my father and all my grandparents have gone. Some of their siblings still live, though. Endurance, communtiy, passion...necessary to make it to 100, yes, but important in general, too. Probably big factors in why so many of us are drawn to you. You have a great mind and a big heart, and it shows. ;D Also, I still want to see your place[s]! If there is clutter, don't worry, I'm immune. ;P Love, Ali

Decisions

Sun, February 12, 2006 - 7:39 AM

A lot going on here. Still working on designing the Peace Pilgrim, deciding on a real estate agent to sell our apartment, are we doing the right thing. 3 weeks ago my boss gave notice, Thursday my boss's boss told us he is going to Italy for a year, etc. What will that mean for me, is there something I should do differently.

Lots up with the Training job at BM. A meeting at the office on Monday and then a training on Thursday night that is going to be a webcast.

Oh! Did I mention my ex-husband, who I consider family, is coming to stay over on his way somewhere on Monday night. We have not slept in the same house since 1975.

We are giving a little going away party for our neighbors and tenants on Friday evening...going to dinner at some of our oldest friends on Sat night, and then having company for brunch next Sunday morning. So yesterday we went outside and I had some muscat and listened to the quiet... If there is just a moment where I cannot hear anything it helps to calm my mind, and then the kids next door showed us their super sized bubble wand, wow, that was fabulous. So life is good, it is my goal to make this move and sale look easy, even to me....

The photo is the model for the Peace Pilgrim's nose as I believe all people will be people of color in 2081....